Wednesday, July 23, 2008

So today we have been waiting on the list for a referral one year and 3 months. I never thought we would be in the predicament we are in today. With all the news that we’ve gotten since last Friday, I feel so discouraged and have no hope that we will bring our child home anytime soon. This past weekend was very hard for me. I was angry, sad, disgusted, bitter and very selfish. I basically had myself another pity party. This adoption is one of the hardest things I’ve ever dealt with. I know in the end (if we ever get there) will make all of the bad go away. I do pray for that day. We’ve have had 4 miscarriages in the past few years. I’ve said this before, this adoption has been harder that any miscarriage that I’ve had. When you finally got that test that says you’re pregnant, you are filled with happiness and tears of joy. When you start to loose the pregnancy you start to grieve for the loss of that child. We are once again in the process of grieving the loss of another child. I did not go to Church on Sunday because I knew my brother and his wife were announcing their pregnancy. I am happy for them but I just could not be happy at that moment. I did not want to pretend to be happy. At that moment I was ashamed for being so selfish but it was the way I felt. I do want to say this I am happy for them, I was just feeling sorry for myself that day. I do feel a whole lot better. I am still sad and still feel a void but I do hope that void will one day be replaced with my Son from Vietnam. I pray for all the families that are so close to having a referral. I immediately thought of my friend Melanie who has been waiting over 700 days. It has to be so hard but she still manages to be encouraging to others. She is an amazing woman.

We decided a couple of months ago to see another Fertility Specialist for a second opinion. With the first doctor we went through a whole bunch of testing. We did find out that I have one blocked fallopian tube. This decreases my chances of becoming pregnant. But one month I had 2 miscarriages in a row-so go figure. But they still could not determine why I kept miscarrying. That doctor told me that IVF was our only chance of staying pregnant and having a child. The new doctor has reviewed all of my records from previous doctor and has done more blood work. He found that I have extremely low folic acid in my body. He said this will contribute to a miscarriage because it causes the embryo not to develop. I left the doctor yesterday with several prescriptions. I’m taking a prescription for folic acid, over the counter folic acid, a low dosage aspirin and vitamins. Next month I start on Clomid and will start taking progesterone injections. The doctor will also do several ultra sounds through out the month. Next month I might be a bear with all of the hormones. I’ve been on Clomid before and it makes you very HOT!!!

We all know that everything happens for a reason. We are praying that we can have a child and we are still praying for our child in Vietnam. My heart still breaks for everyone and I do continue to pray for a good outcome for all of us.


Patricia said...

You're Awesome! And I am so blessed to be able to call you my friend!

I can't wait to see what God has in store for you! I'm buckled-in and on this wild, yet wonderful, journey with you and your incredible family!

You are blessed!

Shannon & Richard said...

Jessica, I am so sorry you are going through this. I realize how very blessed Rich and I are that we have options and were able to get pregnant. We too, were told we had fertility issues and they had me convinced we would need IUI. We saw several doctors and had gone to fertility clinics. I had pretty much given up having it happen on our own, but that is exactly how it happened. I guess what I am trying to say (which I know that you already know) is that God has a plan and it's not always how we would plan it. Stay strong in faith. You will have your child. Maybe through adoption maybe through birth or maybe both! Just know that you haven't been forgotten and your prayers have been heard. Oh, and I know all about pity parties! When it seemed like we weren't going to get pregnant and the adoption doesn't seem to be going anywhere, I felt nothing other than emptiness and despair. And it's okay to allow yourself some time to be sad and angry. Have a good cry and then try to remind yourself that everything always has a way of working out.

"May today there be peace within. May you trust God that you are exactly where you are meant to be. May you not forget the infinite possibilities that are born of faith. May you use those gifts that you have received and pass on the love that has been given to you. May you be content knowing you are a child of God. Let His presence settle into your bones and allow your soul the freedom to sing, dance, praise and love!!"

fiveinthehive said...

Jessica, I am so sorry for this new hurt. I hope your child comes to you soon, no matter how God plans to bring him or her to you.

dwayne and melanie said...

I will be praying for you guys so much. I have been down the Clomid road, so I will send up extra prayers. I feel it is time for Dwayne and I to move on, so we have lots of decisions to make. We should have had a pity party together. I am also feeling the anger, selfishness, and the sadness. My heart has been grieving the child we thought we were getting from Vietnam, but are turning our hearts other directions. I am ALWAYS here if you need me. I will email you later as you are one of my besties and thank you for you sweet comment for us. God has a plan for both of us, we just have to be still and listen. Do you want to sit on the corner of the street with me with a sign that says "Will work for baby"? Just a thought!

susan and charles said...

I wish you luck with your fertility treatments. I've been down that road before. Eleven years ago, we were just starting the adoption process after 4 years of infertility, when I got pregnant (on our own) with my Sam. I also have a blocked tube and severe endometriosis - so let me say a pregnancy can happen! All things are possible with God. Now God is leading us to adopt from Ethiopia and I've never felt so much peace. Our dossier should be in Ethiopia in the next few weeks. No two journeys are alike, and isn't it awesome how God has a unique and individual plan for each of us. I'm praying that you will be blessed with a child soon, either through the miracle of birth or adoption!

Tonya said...

I will keep your family in my daily prayers as you continue on your journey.
Take care,

Jodean said...

I am saying a prayer that your fertility treatments will be successful. Hang in there and remember, miracles do happen=)

the ben show said...

I will be praying for you. Ahhhh, Clomid. I remember those days. I'm sending you a virtual (((((hug))))) and I'll be thinking about you.

Julie said...

Thank you so much for stopping by my blog. I plan to come back and read more of yours. This post reflects so much of the emotions I have felt when others are pregnant and I am not. It is so hard to keep the emotions in line. I had a block fellopian tube as well and I got pregnant but my pregnancy ended up being a tubal pregnancy in the other tube. I'll be praying for your and your heart. I know your hurting.

Love In Christ-

Lennah's mom said...

I'll keep you guys in my prayers. We know that God has a plan for everyone and no matter what your baby will come from God. Keep us posted.

Leslie said...

Hi Jessica, I am sure you watched the Larry King interview with the Chapmans. One of the things SCC said that really penetrated me is that sometimes there are no words that will bring comfort and he so appreciated those people who "sat with them in the grief and did not say a thing." I guess what I am trying to say is I would be honored to sit with you in your grief. I know we don't really know each other but sometimes the people who have shouldered my burdens about Susannah being in the hospital the most are people who aren't my closest friends. Anyway, if you ever need someone to just sit and be silent with you in your grief, I would be honored to be there. I wish there was more I could say.